COURTNEY LOVE SOLVES YOUR MAN PROBLEMS Q: My boyfriend wants to quit his high-paying job and start a band. He's 32. Doesn't that seem really irresponsible? A: Let him follow his bliss with your blessings. It takes a lot of mojo to answer a calling at 32 and detach from the "security" of the real world. So he might fail It will gnaw at him and manifest itself in physical and spiritual sickness if he doesn't do i. Encourage him in every way possible. Yes, 32 is pretty old to be sleeping on floors and riding around in stinky old vans with people with a lot of piercings and Nice 'n Easy blue-black dye jobs. Hopefully, he is mature enough not to pick up any of the nasty "artistic" habits of the form! Most film directors (the closest job to God as far as I can tell) didn't start until their 40s were well underway. I have a friend of a friend who quit some vague high-paying job when he was in his mid 3Os to-Hello!-be an ACTOR. He stayed in a small town to pursue his dream, but now he uses his acting to teach corporate management workshops and has a really successful job that he loves. And that seems to me to be the point of it all. · Recommended viewing: Suilivan's Travels, Jerry Maguire · Recommended listening: The Fall's Live at the Witch Trials, Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation, Shack's HMS Fable, Sebadoh, Guided by Voices Q: My boyfriend's ex-wife is from hell. She stalks me! I might want to marry this guy, but I really do not want to deal with the wife drama forever. A: Put all your energy into fixing her up with a hot, nice guy. Just will it to happen. Then wait for her to get laid. Really well, Then have a party. Once she realizes how lame her ex was, she won't give a hoot about you and then you won't have to dance around in the witch hat. Q: I make more money than my boyfriend and want to go on nicer vacations. I do not mind paying, but he feels emasculated so we don't go on any vacations. How can I make him feel more manly even if I pay? A: I think there is a protocol for making more money than your boyfriend. If he's making less and he's happy doing what he does, you should both just forget the emasculation thing. Why NOT go to the Four Seasons in Bali if you can afford it? I'm certainly not going to tell you to compromise. It's not 1968. I once had a boyfriend who made significantly less money than me. One day he looked me in the eye and said, "You know, I'm going to be richer than you." "Oh yeah?" I said. "Yeah Three times richer. At least," It was competitive, but it was good competitive. Years later, he makes at least 10 times more than I do. In the interim, I paid for the vacations. Believe it, I wasn't taking his budget vacation in Tulsa! Just don't rub it in, just like you wouldn't want a guy to rub it in. · Recommended viewing: His Girl Friday, Take a Letter, Darling, The Philadelphia Story · Recommended listening: Sheryl Crow's The Globe Sessions, Sleater-Kinney's The Hot Rock Q: I'm falling in love with a man who seems really weak. He doesn't fight for what he wants. I keep thinking, What a whimp - I know he doesn't live up to his potential. How can I figure out if I should stay with him or just be friends? A: First find out about his mother! The number one thing about men is the importance of their relationship to their mothers. If you love this guy (and for the sake of argument he might be silent and deadly), he might get just what he needs out of life in a quieter manner than people who bark. Don't get sucked into trying to save him or make him into the president! You go be the president and let him work out his mom issues himself. · Recommended viewing: Now, Voyager, Mildred Pierce, The Graduate, Bringing Up Baby · Recommended listening: Pavement-the entire catalogue (it's all Oedipal rage music) Q: My daughter is 11 - when should I tell her about the birds and the bees? A: I have $100 right here that says she already knows - make that $1000-and probably a lot more than you want her to. I think kids absorb sexual information from the media and other kids as they need it. Some parents of my daughter's friends (who are 6 years old) are OK with PG-13 movies. I'm not, but somehow my daughter got taken to see There's Something About Mary and I was furious! But when I asked her about it, she hadn't really taken in the grody parts. She thought it was funny but didn't know why. By age 11, everyone knows what sex is, they just don't know why anyone has it - and that's your job. Rather than "the birds and the bees," why not try "the love and commitment" speech? I think at 11, girls in this country are being torn apart in a variety of ways (body image, peer pressure, socioeconomic caste system). What separates the girls who behave sexually before their bodies know what a real sexual feeling is, and the girls who have sex at an appropriate time, is an understanding that sex is more than a commodity. This can only come from you. · Recommended viewing: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Foxes, American Pie, Little Darlings, The Breaktast Club · Recommended listening: Elvis, Britney Spears, The Monkees Q: My mother-in-law is constantly riding me about the way I dress - she thinks I dress too slutty. What should I do? A: First, don't dress slutty in front of your mother-in-law, even if her version of slutty is anything black. You'll just aggravate the standard Oedipal situation. Even if she knows you wear 6-inch pumps when she's not around, the show of respect will beta her into some sort of satisfaction. Second, it you keep dressing to "offend" her delicate sensibilities and alpha her into submission (a lose-lose situation), you'll position yourself as a tramp. She'll position herself as bitch-mother, and he'll just get to be the (secretly satisfied) PRINCE in the middle. Why bother? A little display for the benefit of her authority will not hurt anyone and if she's really after you she'll have to think of something else. P.S.: This applies when you are in her environment. · Recommended viewing: Red-Headed Woman, Some Like It Hot, Bombshell (in case you want to check in with what slutty looks like). · Recommended listening: Liz Phair's Exile in Guyville, the Rolling Stone's Exile on Main Street, Li'l Kim, Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin (in case you forgot what slutty sounds like) Q: I want to have liposuction on my belly. No matter how many sit-ups I do, I can't get rid of my pooch. Is liposuction OK? A: I saw some tummy lipo once and it was all lumpy and weird three years later. Do Pilates. Pilates RULES for the abdomen. Crunches contract and shorten your muscles but Pilates elongates and attacks beautifully. · Recommended viewing: Repeats of "The Nanny," Victoria's Secret catalogs, Mr Skeffington · Recommended listening: Jane's Addiction, Led Zeppelin Q: I'm 39 and I've become bitter. I'm the best person in my department and men keep getting promoted over me. I've started blaming the patriarchy for my missed opportunities. How can I be more successful, rather than a mean old lady? A: The key to success is to have balance in your life and a true sense of subversion. By balance I mean HAVE A LIFE, a feminine one full of spiritual pursuit and hobbies that you do because you want to-with no profit attached By subversion I mean refuse to accept that there even is a patriarchy. It is crumbling. Look for role models. I know at least 10 self-fulfilled, powerful women who produce their own movies or records-PRODUCE is the key word. You can't wait around for a reward. The system you're entrenched in is Draconian and complex and you'll never get what you feel you deserve! It doesn't mean that men are bad. Men are sexy and cute, but they are naturally against the idea of you being their boss. They come from our bodies, so they have to ignore/oppress/hurt us to gain independence. Just roll your eyes and move on. Consider yourself a freedom fighter. If you have privilege, share it with other women. If you have good stock tips, share them, If you have role models, hang with them and ape them - they won't mind, And mostly, write and direct and produce your own life. Don't get discouraged. We're barely a generation away from a female president. Think of Hillary as our martyr,' she could have done it herself, but her generation dictated she make one out of a male. Even so, it's not too late for her. So she incrementally sold out for a while. Learn from her. Here's a joke: Bill and Hillary pull up to a gas station in their limo, The guy pumping gas is an old boyfriend of Hillary's from high school. Bill says, "Hey look at him! You could be the wife of a gas station attendant." Hillary gives him a baleful stare and says, "Hey look at him! He could be the president right now." Enough said! · Recommended viewing: directors who love their moms; the works of Cameron Crowe, Jim Brooks, Milos Forman, Amy Heckerling. Ever After, Never Been Kissed, Clueless, Out of Sight, Living Out Loud, Contact, One True Thing, Postcards from the Edge, A League of Their Own · Recommended listening: Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Joni Mitchell, Tom Petty, PJ Harvey Courtney Love can next be seen with Jim Carrey in Man on the Moon in theaters this December. - Marie Claire, November, 1999 - - - - - - - - - - - - -